TorturedBones's Xanga

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Thu, 31 Aug 2006 11:52:14 GMT

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 06:59:33 GMT

I'm too fat to be anorexic.

This is true.

Or at least ana tells me so...

My diet has really been a method of starvation. so what can i say, deal with iton your own please. i'm still alive. but i'm not naturally 84 pounds. i wish. i've had to go through everything from drugs to diet pills to fasting. it's my realality and it is so very real to me. getting "better" would mean to fight my reality. i may be able to go to the doctor and change my eye color from blue to brown, but the fact is that my eyes will always remain blue. that's what ana is like. insert her thoughts into your mind and litterally change it. i think doctors are full of crap. they can help with every effort possible, but like i said, my "eyes are blue" i think the world has "brown eyes" or is of a different seeing color.

I need control. Without it, then my heart will continue to desparatley ache for the torment. Filling my outsides (with food) causes my soul to waste away; thus, to waste the flesh may fill my insides with contenment. It's a compensation. I can't explain it, but i do know that i need this. It's a sese of purpose. Feed me nothing, so i can grow to feel i am something. i don't want to go back to that fat body full of chaos. nothig can take that away from me. There is no reason o fall down by weight whe i can float so high.

(this was taken above when i weighed 15 more pounds ewww)

i'm going to stay like this. i know it'll kill me. not the drugs, not the smoking, not the endless hours of exercise, or the empty stomach. the pain is going to kill me. i can't afford treatment, not now. no insurance, no money, no one knows the truth, and ana likes that you know.

when it comes down to it, i'd kill to go back into treatment, but for know i'm just killing myself. for just too long, i have been a slave to my demon of self-starvation. i'm just sick of crying and screaming alone because i think i found "new fat" on my bones. it's simply exhausting my soul. as much as i crave and "love" my eating disorder, if i could just get a glimps of whats on the opposite side of faith, i would take it. but, for now, i can't imagine a life without anorexia. nothng else seems to matter. nothing. not my family, close friends, work, school, the world, or even myself. no one knows whats it's really like. they can never comprehend this if i were to be raw. to get down to the nitty-gritty.

I may be liking this too much, but it's never enough.

For how am I to breathe as it endlessly consumes the pores

beyond my soul??? When it all comes down to it, im just alone.

why did so many run when i needed them the most?!?

because it was better for me and helped? I don't think so.

i only wanted to get better, because everyone said

i needed to.

but it's hard, and with the thought of looking like that

"chubby girl" i once was, it dreads my soul.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 01:03:36 GMT

Facing ANA, is like telling an angel she's really a demon. There's no way an angel would lie to you?!? Angels don not lie...this one does. And she makes you push yourself far too hard and beyond, but it's never enough. It's like walking down an endless swaying line within your head; just as you begin to see a glimpse of the angels devil horns, she blinds you with her bright and beautiful wings. Nothing is wrong...

Wether I am eating or not, the thoughts of ANA are still haunting my mind. She continues to follow my every move. I just don't seem to care, because after all of these years (10, going on 11 soon), I haven't found the strength to survive without her. She's become my identity and I greatly fear that anyone will try to take her away from me! She's shaped who I am today. The only pain I find from this "eating disorder", is the pain of abandonement from those whom were far too ignorant to ever understand. It just makes me want ANA with me more. She never once left me, she never goes away. I like it to stay that way; I know i'm 'sick', but I don't seem to really care and I don't quite mind it.

When you feel you have no control in anything, at least you can control what goes into your body. ANA has taken all of the pain and life's chaos to simplify into one simple issue. yet, it's not simple at all. It's really not about the methodic calorie counting through the distorted mirrors. Yet, it's far too complex to begin with; I really don't think I'll ever understand why I was predisposed towards this disease of self-starvation. I starve because I like it, I like how it makes me feel, and I love how it masks the overwelming feelings I fear with a a sense of euphoria. It's almost like you can actually not feel.I don't have to have reasons as to why I NEED MY ANA. I just do...

The Pain Of HuNgEr

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 19:53:59 GMT

ANA will make life better...

Waste Crumbles Away

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 16:02:04 GMT

How am i supose to breathe, as it endlessly consumes my pores beyond the depths of this soul? When it all comes down to it, im just alone. Only ANA is there for me. Only she knows what its like.

Food Fight

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 17:55:42 GMT

Each week, i set up a daily calorie limit goal for myself "CLG" Im posting it so i wont have ne exuses 4 failure and 2 hold myself accountable. CLGs, Mon06-Sun13: M=600 T=500 W=300 TH=400 F=600 SA=450 SU=400 i'll later post updates on the total caloric intakes "TCI" hopfully i wont fail in miserable FAT FOOD!

Perfection is to Be Consumed...

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 06:16:46 GMT

The aching moments grow lost, deep within this hazy dream of my rigid obsession. Seldomly, a thought catches a glimpse of what may be, that maybe i shouldn't be "here" of all places. *ANA* says that the fantasm is obviously a lie of the weakened coward! I listen to her wisdom. I do as I am told... Hunger today and starve tomarrow. This body craves perfection for the Demon of Self Starvation (for my *ANA*) This "disease" keeps holding me down, over and over again. All the nourishment in the world can never feed the emanciation of the soul. It never really goes away. I surrender my identity in *ANA's* boney hands.