| | Facing ANA, is like telling an angel she's really a demon. There's no way an angel would lie to you?!? Angels don not lie...this one does. And she makes you push yourself far too hard and beyond, but it's never enough. It's like walking down an endless swaying line within your head; just as you begin to see a glimpse of the angels devil horns, she blinds you with her bright and beautiful wings. Nothing is wrong...
Wether I am eating or not, the thoughts of ANA are still haunting my mind. She continues to follow my every move. I just don't seem to care, because after all of these years (10, going on 11 soon), I haven't found the strength to survive without her. She's become my identity and I greatly fear that anyone will try to take her away from me! She's shaped who I am today. The only pain I find from this "eating disorder", is the pain of abandonement from those whom were far too ignorant to ever understand. It just makes me want ANA with me more. She never once left me, she never goes away. I like it to stay that way; I know i'm 'sick', but I don't seem to really care and I don't quite mind it.
When you feel you have no control in anything, at least you can control what goes into your body. ANA has taken all of the pain and life's chaos to simplify into one simple issue. yet, it's not simple at all. It's really not about the methodic calorie counting through the distorted mirrors. Yet, it's far too complex to begin with; I really don't think I'll ever understand why I was predisposed towards this disease of self-starvation. I starve because I like it, I like how it makes me feel, and I love how it masks the overwelming feelings I fear with a a sense of euphoria. It's almost like you can actually not feel.I don't have to have reasons as to why I NEED MY ANA. I just do...
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| | Posted 6/18/2006 10:03 PM - 11 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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